When Lisa of Joycreation asked me to do a continuation of the amazingly inspirational series "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You," I thought: "Yes!!!" I was moved for days by Erin's post over on Design for Mankind and Cassandra's post on Coco+Kelley... Then I thought: "Hmm but what do I really have to share that's inspirational..." and that brings us to thing number one I'm afraid to tell you:
- I am ridiculously hard on myself. No one said this series had to be inspirational, just honest; no one told me I had to write something incredibly moving. I told myself this. I not only told myself this, I put so much pressure on myself that it took me 3 days just to start writing. I know we're all our own worst enemies and doing any kind of creative work is going to bring that out. Add a dash of perfectionism and boom! you get me thinking about what to write, talking to my boyfriend about what to write, and jotting down ideas about what to write for days before actually sitting down to write.
When I started this blog back in October of 2011, I knew this side of me existed. I mean, in college I'd cry if I didn't get an A... cry. I don't know where this inner push to be the best comes from. It can be tortuous, but it can also be an incredible strength. Instead of falling prey to the critical, judgey parts of this trait, I try - really try - to harness the positive aspects of it, such as the unrelenting drive to be better. I've learned I have to be kind to myself when I'm learning something new (like finding my blogging groove), while at the same time knowing that I can and will improve. One day the gap will close between the work I produce and my ambitions... it just takes time. Did I mention I'm also really impatient?
- I'm afraid of blog failure. Although I'm relatively new to blogging, I really really love it. I would love nothing more than to figure out a way to do this full time. However, I often worry that my blog isn't original enough or creative enough or that no one really cares about art and after all the time and energy I put into my blog, no one will read it and I'll never get to do this full time. Sheesh I feel like I should repeat affirmations into the mirror like Stuart Smalley after that one... But does any of this mean I'll stop blogging? Hells to the no :)
- I'm too scared to leave my day job and pursue my passion. I really would love to blog full time, but in order to do that, I need to grow the blog, and in order to do that I need time to work on the blog. Oh precious time, I never have enough of you. Sometimes I feel like I'm on the brink of exhaustion trying to fit in a day job, a night job (the blog), a boyfriend, and any semblance of a social life... I often find myself thinking - if the world really was ending in 2012 I'd totally quit my job today. Umm what?! That's not a normal thing to be thinking... could be the exhaustion.
- I have a really hard time talking about myself. Bio sections of social media sites are the worst for me. Ugh about me? I don't know... I have bangs and like vitamin water. At parties I usually always ask questions so I don't have to answer the awkwardly superficial "oh I'm from here, I do this..." So needless to say I'm really bad at talking myself up during job interviews. I'd much rather talk about you. Hmm what do you think that means?
- I get art fatigue. Ok I even love art and I get sick of it. After working at an art museum all week and then blogging about arty stuff in the evenings and on the weekends, sometimes the last thing I want to do is go to another gallery opening or art event. Sometimes I just want to watch a marathon of Bethenny Ever After on my fluffy red couch and call it a day.
- I've invested my own money in creating an app for the Denver Art Guide I have here on the blog and I'm afraid it won't succeed. I was soooo excited when I first started this mobile app project. But after a few months of back and forth with a developer, I have a sinking feeling that it will never look and work the way I envisioned it. I'm often burdened with the dreaded "what ifs" - what if I would've used that money for a new blog design, or a trip to Chicago for Designlovefest's video blogshop, and so on... and on and on.
- I'm intimidated by Facebook. Twitter I feel I have a handle on - there's more anonymity, you can send a quick message, there's no real commitment, it feels like a much friendlier environment to exchange a word or two. But Facebook? It's like I'm at the podium with all my friends and family in the audience waiting for me to say something clever...
- Every night I write down 5 things I'm grateful for that happened that day. Why am I afraid to admit this? Oh I don't know, it just sounds so... Oprah. And it feels very personal. I even hide this gratitude journal underneath other books on my nightstand so my boyfriend won't accidentally pick it up (thinking it's a book) and read any of it. I know. I'm weird.
- I hate Downton Abbey. There. I said it.
Phewwwww. Thanks for reading, friends. It feels good to be honest. And thank you to the other brave bloggers who published their TIATTY posts today.
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